Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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