I wish my penis had an off switch
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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