I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
