he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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