she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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