Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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