theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
