I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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