I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
