o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
