Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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