i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
