MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You ate ashes out of my bong
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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