Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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