The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
