You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize