if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I am available for nakedness
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
