my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
