when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
We're too hungover to prance.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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