I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
