I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
