So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
