Who wears a wallet chain?!
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
