so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
