Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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