My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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