I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
