If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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