My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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