I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
