just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
