the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
