Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
