i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
