Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
