What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
