This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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