Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
