it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
