I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
i think i just lost a toe
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
