he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
