i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
