Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
