I want to have your abortion
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you win again, gameday.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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