No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
