Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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