sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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