I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
