My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
