I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
We're too hungover to prance.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
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