it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
me + whiskey = a bad person
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
