Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You can't just leave with hair like that
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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