is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
