Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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