She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
