I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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