how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
