bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
